Eternal mind of the spotless sunshine

August 7, 2009, 1:04 am
Filed under: rants

Ever since the beginning of this whole twittering saga we are all so dearly trying to accomplish, I have found myself deeply regretting this life I have chosen for myself.

For you find yourself in need of saying the shittiest things to all those who follow you. As a means to provoke your popularity in ways not normally found. I think that’s the ticket for twitter.

The little bird freaks me out now.

Sometimes I want to say something worthwhile. The time never comes. So I say anything that’s happening at the moment I twit. Fucking stupid twits, they are. How can they not be?

I’m actually glad Safari is so much better to use and navigate than Firefox is – on my MacBook, at least. For I have the devilish Twitterfox. And that has kept me away from all social media for weeks.

Finding out that Safari is so much faster is a great thing. I can now rid myself of that godforsaken little ‘t’ at the bottom of the window. The place where the pointer found an irresistible urge to click and, thus!, make me want to twit.

Fucking twits. Die. Until tomorrow, when I find the urge to tell everyone my latest Fettucini Alfredo was the best I’ve ever made.


What we see is nigh
August 25, 2008, 2:04 pm
Filed under: chronicles, profile, rants

Never have I felt this blind. Blinded by the silence of the thousand pieces of my broken heart. Unable to mend what was shattered. Unwilling to forgo the suffering that comes with looking at myself in the mirror and not wanting to see what I indeed see.

I feel blinded by the shallow people that surround the world. The ridiculous fools we seem to be for believing in some, and then making ourselves available and ready to take our fears head on, challenging the paradigms of society in the utmost desire to be fulfilled with joy, happiness and the sense of purpose.

For some odd reason I still stand with my head held upright. For some odd reason I awake and find strenght to get up and walk about. Continue my business. Talk to good friends, make new ones.

Why does life have to be so full of idiotic processes? Why must we endure this existance only in order to see things as a series of events, instead of the magical, incomprehensible force of nature we want them to be? Why must we become so pragmatic.

Life should be about the wonderful, amazing things that no one is able to understand. Life should be about the moments where nothing has the power to make it all go awry. Yet all I see is the working of a machine bound to make us sacrifice ourselves to achieve a goal that is not reachable.

So we remain blinded. Forever blinded.

August 4, 2008, 2:06 am
Filed under: profile, rants

Good-bye. I bid you farewell. I have taken away all of what’s left of you here. You’re gone, out, deleted and completely withdrawn from everything I hold dear. From every part of my life.

You will only remain a distant memory. A sad, little reminder. A bad nightmare. A mistake that I plan on putting far, far away from my frontal lobe.

You’re gone. All of what I want from you is nothingness. A safe knowledge that you will never, ever exist again in my life. Ever.

I have become spotless. Beautifully spotless. Good-bye.

June 11, 2007, 8:06 pm
Filed under: rants

Another one of life’s curveballs. Thirty years ago, two lovebirds with nothing and no one in their path. Thirty years later, two strangers with very few things in common to sustain their up until now lasting relationship. Yet, as in so many cases, it just wasn’t meant to be.

Through thick and thin they held together a bond that seemed unlikely to be broken. Life’s many challenges were met head on, with no fear or even a slight hint of trepidation. Their feet held strong, fighting the many incomming turmoils with strength in their hearts and fire in their eyes. What seemed unfathomable became a reality. Little by little, the unfaltering connection now lays forever broken.

I can’t seem to find words to make things get better. I can see the reasons. I can see the unsurmountable obstacles that now are set before them. I can’t help but know this is for real.

We move on, as one does, with enough knowledge in the fact that there are always things to be learned. Things to be said and done. Things to be taught and things to be turned. There comes a time when things must move on.

And they do.

May 29, 2007, 4:20 am
Filed under: rants

As I sat there, looking at all of you, doubt and uncertainty clouded my every thought. I knew my time had come to speak, yet I felt as though nothing needed to be said. It didn’t seem like I needed to portray what had happened. The feelings of inequacy amidst everyone’s portruding eyes was overwhelming.

Words made their way out. Slowly, one by one, piecing the puzzle set before me. You all looked on, directly at me, and I never knew if those were eyes of acceptance, of critique or of simple awe. I have told this story many times, in vastly different scenarios, yet this was the first time I felt a little different when telling a story tired of being told. My hands felt rigid. I had a distinct feeling of belittlement, when all that I have felt in this matter up until now has been of pride and power.

Some of you looked on, hoping for a glimpse of emotion from me. Yet the story came out as it normally does. I made a few less jokes this time around. I didn’t know how anyone would react to me taking it so easily. Cancer is a serious word to most people, yet it meant so little to me that I tend to scare everyone when the topic comes up. Today it was if all that I mustered within me to withstand everything made less sense. I should have felt this way, that way. Anything but the way I indeed felt about it all.

I will never change my position on this. Today made me even more aware and sure of that. As much as it might seem psychologically inadequate of me to have so many filters, to feel so little in some aspects of life, I still feel very proud to be who I am today. The way I deal with things has made me, these past years, into a better person. I am sure of this. No one will ever prove me otherwise.

Change is asked of me, and I will do my best to fit whatever changes I deem necessary. Anything not needed or wanted will be left aside. This is how I am. This is who I am.