Eternal mind of the spotless sunshine

What we see is nigh
August 25, 2008, 2:04 pm
Filed under: chronicles, profile, rants

Never have I felt this blind. Blinded by the silence of the thousand pieces of my broken heart. Unable to mend what was shattered. Unwilling to forgo the suffering that comes with looking at myself in the mirror and not wanting to see what I indeed see.

I feel blinded by the shallow people that surround the world. The ridiculous fools we seem to be for believing in some, and then making ourselves available and ready to take our fears head on, challenging the paradigms of society in the utmost desire to be fulfilled with joy, happiness and the sense of purpose.

For some odd reason I still stand with my head held upright. For some odd reason I awake and find strenght to get up and walk about. Continue my business. Talk to good friends, make new ones.

Why does life have to be so full of idiotic processes? Why must we endure this existance only in order to see things as a series of events, instead of the magical, incomprehensible force of nature we want them to be? Why must we become so pragmatic.

Life should be about the wonderful, amazing things that no one is able to understand. Life should be about the moments where nothing has the power to make it all go awry. Yet all I see is the working of a machine bound to make us sacrifice ourselves to achieve a goal that is not reachable.

So we remain blinded. Forever blinded.


Saturday Night
August 14, 2008, 1:41 am
Filed under: chronicles

You called me the other night. I could sense alcohol coming from the other side of the mobile phone. Yet part of me wondered whether there was enough licor to count you out of any equation. There wasn’t.

I made it to your place. It was pouring. I stayed on your doorstep, rang the bell. No one answered. Rain started to make its way sideways. The rain and wind made it very uncomfortable. All I could do was laugh.

Your family party was at an end. I could tell by the lack of talk and the ammount of noise coming from the sound system by the pool. Some people made their way out and opened the door for me. Both wondered why someone in the middle of the night would be entering the house, soaked and looking for you. Yet none of them made any attempt to stop me from going in.

I met up with your sister. She said you’d passed out on the couch. Funny thing, really. Me, making my way across town in the downpour to see you – I knew you were giddy on the juice, but never thought that much.

You awoke and made your way to the kitchen, where your sister and I stood talking. I had already called a cab to take me back home. You hugged me. Softly. Tenderly. Kissed me on my neck. Told me you were glad I was there.

I was called to your room. You made me sit beside you in bed. It felt awkward. You were drunk. You’re my dear friend. It was funny and very depressing at the same time. You showed me your leopard underwear and bra. You giggled. I’ve never found you more attractive.

The cab came and you sighed. So did I. But I couldn’t stay. Not with you like that. We ran out in the rain, you dragging me to your front door where the cab awaited. You opened the door to your house and waved hello to the cab driver, who waved back and smiled.

You took the back of my head and leaned in. We kissed a great kiss. You told me I should have stayed. Then you gently slapped me across the face and said I’d better go before you did anything stupid. I don’t think it would have been tremendously stupid. Just a little.

And it’s not because you were almost engaged to one of my best friends.

July 30, 2007, 2:03 pm
Filed under: chronicles

The New York city lights gave away your gorgeous glow. You were set against the wall in that terrace overlooking the East Village in your pirate outfit, holding a cup of unimportant alcoholic content, and you looked at me with kind eyes. I didn’t know you, nor could I, but I really wanted to.

You are amazing. A mexican with an american name. And I’m completely drawn to you.

The rest of the evening was spent with me in awe of your beauty, your grace, your laughter, your face. For moments I could barely feel the concrete of the rooftop on my feet. I was dancing to my own music, heartbeats that channeled emotions I had long before set down.

We talked, laughed, exchanged akward but meaningful looks. I could not picture myself away from you. You seemed destined to be part of my life for ever and ever and ever.

But then you were called by a friend. I saw you look at me with eyes of disappointment as you listened to the muffled voice of your pretty friend in a corsette too small for her volumptuos breats. You nodded to her and came over my way.

A party, you said. Another one. Someone’s going away to some distant country and you need to be there to say good-bye. I understand. Of course I don’t, but I have to make you believe I understand.

I asked you to stay. You said you wanted to, but couldn’t. So I let you go. I let you walk out without ever telling you precisely what I wanted you to know.

I needed you then. I need you now. Come back.

June 20, 2007, 9:41 pm
Filed under: chronicles

Oh, how the desires of the mind challenge us into becomming something we dislike. Or want to dislike, but in fact like a lot. It’s such a fine line that one begs the question ‘where does desire challenge our morals?’.

The heart has packed up and left long ago, so all that is left is this twisted mind of mine to ensure that my desires always follow a strict and sound set of rules. The look. The flick of the hair that just might entice me into believing something’s there.

Then you get the automated set of lines. The thoroughly thought out moves and glances. A distinct order of things to make it perfectly clear that everything should be heading towards a predicted goal.

You are finally able to secure a good conversation. Things are going just fine. She reminds you of someone, yet you can’t remember who. It doesn’t really matter though. Never will that line ‘don’t I know you from somewhere?’ be used, so any thought about it is quickly set aside.

As the conversations rolled on, the mindset clearly became more attuned to the inevitable tender touch and long-lasting kiss. The hands become rigid and sweat. Body temperature peaks and drops. The mouth dries up, trying to unravel the best words for the moment.

And then it happens. Absolutely amazing. Her touch feels warm and inviting. Her lips are full, moist and yearning for more. You find yourself amidst a torrent of emotions, battling each impulse as the hormones stage a siege and seem to be winning, quite easily, what should be a tough battle.

You look at her once more. Fucking amazing eyes. She smiles a quircky smile and you fall to your knees, worshipping this god-like diva that has taken upon herself to find redemption and glory to your soul – so longing for acceptance and happiness.

When the night is finally over you take her to her to her mighty abode. You stand mightly erect, proud of your deeds in the evening, hoping for a call upstairs. She looks at you with the kindest of eyes, and you melt away in the sidewalk. She reaches your hands, picks them up and drags your body as you glide through the hallway towards her door.

When you reach her heavenly morada the smell of lust sets every inch of your body on fire. You are taken my an overwhelming feeling of power and the overture to your sonata seems seconds away from fulfillment. As you look bact at her, you are set aghast at the picture-perfect sight standing before you.

There she stands. Naked. Perfect.

You hold her. This time, with a lot less poise and a lot more fight. Her struggle is a playful one. You embrace in sheer delight as your bodies twist and turn in perfect harmony. Bewildered, time seems to give way to you, letting it pass as slowly as possible, helping you savour every single moment.

There is a twist on the knob at the door. Time gives in. There is a voice calling out her name. Her husband, she infoms you, who has made himself aware to you at this very instant. She calls to your escape through the kitchen window. You run, as one can whilst trying to clothe oneself, and set your first foot across the window into the dark, heavy night. Said foot finds a ledge. You climb out. Holding for dear life on the walls of the apartment complex, you strain to hear what is going on.

A discussion erupts from within. Something about her being half-dressed. The mumbles grow louder, making it impossible to distinguish the precise words uttered. Something shatters, and a scream is yelled. The door slams shut. A muffled cry can now be heard.

Enough courage is mustered to look at the inside of the apartment. She is knelt down on the carpet, holding the broken pieces of the vase that stood by the door. She looks up and seems astonished at your sight. Her look is of confusion. You tell her of your near death experience clinging to the side of the building.

She laughs nervously. Then begins to cry once more. You slowly move towards her. She invites your hug. Then shows opens up her left hand to show you two golden rings, one on top of another. She clenches her fist, throws the rings on the opposite wall and tames you on the floor.

The night seems to last forever.

June 4, 2007, 7:44 am
Filed under: chronicles

I laid my eyes on you the very first minute I walked in. There was no way to divert my gaze, so drawn were my eyes to yours. Nothing was expected of me, which felt good, and there I stood, looking you in the eye, hoping for a glimpse of light shining back at me from yours.

You seemed pleasently surprised at me. Calm and gentle, your body language suggested an uneasy empathy. I took that as a compliment and kept staring in my most subtle way. The world seemed quite small then. None could have made me look astray.

‘Hey,’ said I.

‘Hi,’ she quickly replied. One could sense the tension in the air. It was almost palpable.

‘I don’t know what I want,’ I mustered, ‘yet standing here makes me want to ask for something.’

‘Most feel that way. It is inevitable. Most don’t know what they want, and few get what they asked.’

‘But I feel a sudden urge to take my chances.’ Nothing seemed to be completely safe at that moment. Anything could have happened. I wasn’t sure I was ready for the unknown.

‘You must make your stand,’ she said politely and calmly. It made me feel even more nervous. My hands felt gelid, yet I saw them give away sweat. ‘I cannot allow you to stand idle for much longer.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I appologized, ‘never have I felt such a distinct feeling of numbness. My knees seem to be giving in, my hands are cold yet sweat. Try as I must, there doesn’t seem to be an answer awaiting me that seems right and rings true in my heart!’

‘I will help you.’ She said these words with a joyous contempt that instead of making me feel awkward, my hopes were replentished. ‘Time is of the essence, and I urge you to consider my innermost thoughts and heartfelt desire to make your day. I am impelled to fulfill every need you could possiby have, and in my mind this is will serve as a path towards an inevitable feeling of joy beyond your wildest dreams.’

I froze. Thoughts travelled back and forth in my mind, as those amazing kind brown eyes looked on at me. The words she spoke were the most vivid and enticing words ever spoken. I felt reborn, replentished in the notion that I was about to get exaclty everything I could have possibly wanted then. The world felt right possibly for the first time in my entire life. I didn’t want the feeling to end. It seemed too good to be true.

‘You will be most happy with our new veggie burger. It’s delicious.’ She had already set up the tray, beautifully, with the fries perfectly placed beside the coca-cola cup. It seemed almost poetic. An artwork of sorts.

‘What the hell, I’ll have a double cheeseburger as well!’

She smiled.

It was the happiest day of my life.

May 25, 2007, 1:11 am
Filed under: chronicles

I don’t know what to do without you. As much as I try, I cannot shake away these intruding thoughts, dwelling in the insipid and bleak world that is this feeble and weak mind of mine. I crave too much, withdrawing bottled emotions and setting them up to face a struggle I cannot see myself coming out victorious. Yet it is enough this decision to portray my deepest desires.

As I lie awake, every single night, I fight to gain control of this restless psyche that prevents me from resting. These have been days of frightfulness and utmost joy. No longer do I find myself capable of withholding these words, once dormant, which have now mustered power enough to escape from the shallow graves inside the rifts of my cortex and see themselves ready to be spoken.

The unrest I sense leaves me no choice but to surrender completely to these feelings. I cannot remain in this anhedonic pose, feeling bewildered and afraid. I must speak out for the prospect of not proffering these words haunt me more than the knowledge that I might fail in whatever it is I plan to accomplish with what I am about to say.

I need to know every pore of you. I need to feel every shiver from your body as it craves, ever so strongly, for some heat from mine. Always yearning for more and more, I want to be completely dependent of you. I need to want you even more.

Let me relish the joy of hearing you sleep. I want to lay in awe beside you, watching the sun graze your flawless skin as it sets your fiery hair alight. I want to see every single curve of you caressed by Helios as he pays homage to the perfection that is you.

From the tip of your toes to the last strand of hair I will kiss you. I will touch you in unfathomable ways. You will never know this much pleasure.

My words need be the last you hear before bed – and the first as you awake. I want to have you wish for me. I want to have you call out my name. To have you pierce my defenses with the kindest of eyes.

Your smell inebriates me. I sense you everywhere I look and everywhere I go. You follow me through crowded streets, through markets and park benches. Though I twist and turn, you come back to me in torrents that shake the core of me. I find myself lying on grassy knolls, daydreaming of your appearance on the horizon, adorning angelical wings you so richly deserve.

Oh these trembling hands! A heart that at the sight of you skips a beat.  No longer can this façade of a strong man remain unbroken. I have laid my heart out. There is nothing left.

Hear my plight for thee. To you I am defenseless, a meager soul in search of true meaning. Try as I might all that is left of me is the desire to feel you, hear you, touch you and know you. Love me as unconditionally as I do.

I am forever yours.

May 22, 2007, 2:39 am
Filed under: chronicles

Bereft of life I live, ebbing my way into the inevitable darkness. Sorrows bequeathed. Minutes pass like months as I lay here, waiting, panting as a wounded beast, thrown aside in the gutter where you left me. 

As the tears stream down my cheeks I seclude myself from my surroundings. I await the enduring emptiness to subside. I yield little from the fading beats of my heart.

Forging enough will to fully awake from my prone position I gather myself in these shallow waters. Enough still shines within me. It will not be on this day that I succumb to an eternity of numbness. It will not be on this day that I allow myself to wither in pain. 

My lethargic body attempts to rise, yet fails from lack of strength. The pallium of mist slowly cloaks me. Forlorn clarity of a bleary world.

Words could never fathom explanations to the feeling brewing inside me. Thoughts exiled in barriers of guilt now roam free. I shall not falter. 

No wounds are to be concealed, nor is the growing desire to retaliate. This waning sanity of mine. Nevermore will I veil these woebegone eyes.

Diverted dreams lie afore my dreary eyes. I step closer to perdition ever slowly. Divine infidelity this. The hurt of sins once committed ache no more.  

My arms have laid stretched to you long enough.

Remembrance is but sweet sorrow. Circumstances have long been forgotten, exempting your inevitable province. Denying is futile. 

My anamneses. The recollections imbued in this contorted creature. It is all I have left. I do not forget.

All limbs feel gelid. Rain descends to shower me in filth. This anhedonic pose, mired in a hellish nightmare. 

Still I persist, ingathering bottled emotions. I am but a shadow of my old self. My hoard of anger will leave you in ruins.

I will search for Sumerian ways to hurt you. My wrath will protrude from every pore of me. The profoundly deranged image to stand before thee is but a glimpse of what is hidden inside this aging shell. 

Your veins will be cut as mine. Your soul will suffer like mine. I shall dance the hurt away atop your corpse, reveling in your blood.

Only then will this pond swirl to sea.