Eternal mind of the spotless sunshine


May 29, 2007, 4:20 am
Filed under: rants

As I sat there, looking at all of you, doubt and uncertainty clouded my every thought. I knew my time had come to speak, yet I felt as though nothing needed to be said. It didn’t seem like I needed to portray what had happened. The feelings of inequacy amidst everyone’s portruding eyes was overwhelming.

Words made their way out. Slowly, one by one, piecing the puzzle set before me. You all looked on, directly at me, and I never knew if those were eyes of acceptance, of critique or of simple awe. I have told this story many times, in vastly different scenarios, yet this was the first time I felt a little different when telling a story tired of being told. My hands felt rigid. I had a distinct feeling of belittlement, when all that I have felt in this matter up until now has been of pride and power.

Some of you looked on, hoping for a glimpse of emotion from me. Yet the story came out as it normally does. I made a few less jokes this time around. I didn’t know how anyone would react to me taking it so easily. Cancer is a serious word to most people, yet it meant so little to me that I tend to scare everyone when the topic comes up. Today it was if all that I mustered within me to withstand everything made less sense. I should have felt this way, that way. Anything but the way I indeed felt about it all.

I will never change my position on this. Today made me even more aware and sure of that. As much as it might seem psychologically inadequate of me to have so many filters, to feel so little in some aspects of life, I still feel very proud to be who I am today. The way I deal with things has made me, these past years, into a better person. I am sure of this. No one will ever prove me otherwise.

Change is asked of me, and I will do my best to fit whatever changes I deem necessary. Anything not needed or wanted will be left aside. This is how I am. This is who I am.

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