Eternal mind of the spotless sunshine

May 29, 2007, 4:20 am
Filed under: rants

As I sat there, looking at all of you, doubt and uncertainty clouded my every thought. I knew my time had come to speak, yet I felt as though nothing needed to be said. It didn’t seem like I needed to portray what had happened. The feelings of inequacy amidst everyone’s portruding eyes was overwhelming.

Words made their way out. Slowly, one by one, piecing the puzzle set before me. You all looked on, directly at me, and I never knew if those were eyes of acceptance, of critique or of simple awe. I have told this story many times, in vastly different scenarios, yet this was the first time I felt a little different when telling a story tired of being told. My hands felt rigid. I had a distinct feeling of belittlement, when all that I have felt in this matter up until now has been of pride and power.

Some of you looked on, hoping for a glimpse of emotion from me. Yet the story came out as it normally does. I made a few less jokes this time around. I didn’t know how anyone would react to me taking it so easily. Cancer is a serious word to most people, yet it meant so little to me that I tend to scare everyone when the topic comes up. Today it was if all that I mustered within me to withstand everything made less sense. I should have felt this way, that way. Anything but the way I indeed felt about it all.

I will never change my position on this. Today made me even more aware and sure of that. As much as it might seem psychologically inadequate of me to have so many filters, to feel so little in some aspects of life, I still feel very proud to be who I am today. The way I deal with things has made me, these past years, into a better person. I am sure of this. No one will ever prove me otherwise.

Change is asked of me, and I will do my best to fit whatever changes I deem necessary. Anything not needed or wanted will be left aside. This is how I am. This is who I am.


May 25, 2007, 1:11 am
Filed under: chronicles

I don’t know what to do without you. As much as I try, I cannot shake away these intruding thoughts, dwelling in the insipid and bleak world that is this feeble and weak mind of mine. I crave too much, withdrawing bottled emotions and setting them up to face a struggle I cannot see myself coming out victorious. Yet it is enough this decision to portray my deepest desires.

As I lie awake, every single night, I fight to gain control of this restless psyche that prevents me from resting. These have been days of frightfulness and utmost joy. No longer do I find myself capable of withholding these words, once dormant, which have now mustered power enough to escape from the shallow graves inside the rifts of my cortex and see themselves ready to be spoken.

The unrest I sense leaves me no choice but to surrender completely to these feelings. I cannot remain in this anhedonic pose, feeling bewildered and afraid. I must speak out for the prospect of not proffering these words haunt me more than the knowledge that I might fail in whatever it is I plan to accomplish with what I am about to say.

I need to know every pore of you. I need to feel every shiver from your body as it craves, ever so strongly, for some heat from mine. Always yearning for more and more, I want to be completely dependent of you. I need to want you even more.

Let me relish the joy of hearing you sleep. I want to lay in awe beside you, watching the sun graze your flawless skin as it sets your fiery hair alight. I want to see every single curve of you caressed by Helios as he pays homage to the perfection that is you.

From the tip of your toes to the last strand of hair I will kiss you. I will touch you in unfathomable ways. You will never know this much pleasure.

My words need be the last you hear before bed – and the first as you awake. I want to have you wish for me. I want to have you call out my name. To have you pierce my defenses with the kindest of eyes.

Your smell inebriates me. I sense you everywhere I look and everywhere I go. You follow me through crowded streets, through markets and park benches. Though I twist and turn, you come back to me in torrents that shake the core of me. I find myself lying on grassy knolls, daydreaming of your appearance on the horizon, adorning angelical wings you so richly deserve.

Oh these trembling hands! A heart that at the sight of you skips a beat.  No longer can this façade of a strong man remain unbroken. I have laid my heart out. There is nothing left.

Hear my plight for thee. To you I am defenseless, a meager soul in search of true meaning. Try as I might all that is left of me is the desire to feel you, hear you, touch you and know you. Love me as unconditionally as I do.

I am forever yours.

May 22, 2007, 2:39 am
Filed under: chronicles

Bereft of life I live, ebbing my way into the inevitable darkness. Sorrows bequeathed. Minutes pass like months as I lay here, waiting, panting as a wounded beast, thrown aside in the gutter where you left me. 

As the tears stream down my cheeks I seclude myself from my surroundings. I await the enduring emptiness to subside. I yield little from the fading beats of my heart.

Forging enough will to fully awake from my prone position I gather myself in these shallow waters. Enough still shines within me. It will not be on this day that I succumb to an eternity of numbness. It will not be on this day that I allow myself to wither in pain. 

My lethargic body attempts to rise, yet fails from lack of strength. The pallium of mist slowly cloaks me. Forlorn clarity of a bleary world.

Words could never fathom explanations to the feeling brewing inside me. Thoughts exiled in barriers of guilt now roam free. I shall not falter. 

No wounds are to be concealed, nor is the growing desire to retaliate. This waning sanity of mine. Nevermore will I veil these woebegone eyes.

Diverted dreams lie afore my dreary eyes. I step closer to perdition ever slowly. Divine infidelity this. The hurt of sins once committed ache no more.  

My arms have laid stretched to you long enough.

Remembrance is but sweet sorrow. Circumstances have long been forgotten, exempting your inevitable province. Denying is futile. 

My anamneses. The recollections imbued in this contorted creature. It is all I have left. I do not forget.

All limbs feel gelid. Rain descends to shower me in filth. This anhedonic pose, mired in a hellish nightmare. 

Still I persist, ingathering bottled emotions. I am but a shadow of my old self. My hoard of anger will leave you in ruins.

I will search for Sumerian ways to hurt you. My wrath will protrude from every pore of me. The profoundly deranged image to stand before thee is but a glimpse of what is hidden inside this aging shell. 

Your veins will be cut as mine. Your soul will suffer like mine. I shall dance the hurt away atop your corpse, reveling in your blood.

Only then will this pond swirl to sea.

May 21, 2007, 10:59 pm
Filed under: drivel

Here starts a new chapter. Hence forth, the views of an eternal mind of the spotless sunshine.